Sideline Chatter: Triathletes also used hands to express opinion on disqualification

And you thought NFL rules were overly draconian?

The top two female finishers at a 2020 Tokyo Games triathlon test event got DQ’d for staging “a contrived finish” — holding hands while crossing the finish line.

Clemson, not to be outdone, self-reportied a violation to the NCAA for “impermissible use of confetti” during a football recruit’s campus visit.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Flipping Simone Biles still floating through upper mesosphere.”

• At Fark.com: “Dale Earnhardt Jr. survives crash. Difficulty: plane crash.”

Howdy, stranger

A study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology says talking to strangers can make people happier.

After seeing a whopping 37 new players walk into their clubhouse just since opening day, Mariners players ought to be downright giddy.

Woody haze

THE Ohio State University filed a trademark application for the word “THE.”

Smokey THE Bear is livid.

Heard in passing

QB Jimmy Garoppolo threw interceptions on five consecutive passes during Wednesday’s 49ers practice.

Just one more and he would’ve coined a whole definition of “pick-six.”

Scarlet Letter Dept.

Rutgers sent a cease-and-desist letter to Ruston, La., High School, demanding that it change the similar “R” logo on its uniforms and stationery.

Hey, it was either that or field a Scarlet Knights football team that won’t get mistaken for a high-school squad.

Long homestand

Former baseball star Doug DeCinces was sentenced to eight months of home confinement for insider trading.

In other words, now would not be a good time to get called out at home.

The works

Among the weirdest job titles in each state, according to 24/7 Wall St.:

• California: dog-surfing instructor

• Hawaii: golf-ball diver

• Missouri: dice-quality inspector

The Cavaliers went 19-63 last season. Fortunately, Ohio’s is “odor tester.”

No claustrophobia here

University of Chicago researchers are working on a pill to treat loneliness.

They say it’ll come in especially handy if you’re ever in the stands at a Marlins game.

Hold that line

The Astros rang up a club-record 23 runs to beat the Orioles by three touchdowns, 23-2.

Virtually half of the NFL teams — 15, to be exact — couldn’t score that many in their preseason openers.

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on Major League Baseball scheduling a game on the “Field of Dreams” diamond in Dyersville, Iowa, next season: “They were going to play at the park in ‘The Natural,’ but the lights still aren’t working.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Yankees-White Sox “Field of Dreams” matchup: “Although if MLB wanted teams to feel at home in front of 8,000, they should have chosen the Rays and Marlins.”

Bluntly speaking

Mike Tyson said he consumes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month.

Joe Frazier? Looks like they called the wrong one “Smokin’.”

Hold those Tigers

Ex-Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper dropped out of the crowded Democratic presidential derby on Thursday.

The Detroit Tigers, wanting to ride the ‘Looper wave, immediately declared themselves out of this year’s AL playoff race.

Know your Biebers

Indians pitcher Shane Bieber is striking out a whopping 11.1 batters per nine innings this season.

Just so there’s no confusion over the two celebrity Biebers: This one prefers to throw goose eggs.

Grab your mitts

Colorado residents reported record-breaking hailstones falling from the sky last week.

What, was the Orioles’ pitching staff in town to face the Rockies or something?

Quote marks

• Tyler Conway of BleacherReport.com, reporting on Ohio State’s “the” trademark application: “If you’ve lost count, the word ‘the’ has been used in this article 22 times. We’ll await the (whoops, 23) cease-and-desist letter.”

• Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, after a Puerto Rican bowler’s team was stripped of its gold medal at the Pan Am Games for a doping violation: “How that would help pick up a 7-10 split is anyone’s guess.”

• Bob Nightengale of USA Today, on this year’s MLB playoffs: “Let’s be honest, it will take divine intervention for the Los Angeles Dodgers and Astros not to have a 2017 World Series sequel. … Still, this is baseball, and sometimes things are written in the stars, like a Kirk Gibson home run or a Mookie Wilson ground ball.”

• Bill Walton, to the Chicago Tribune, on serving as pinch-hit color commentator on a White Sox broadcast: “I guess I’m going to have to reinvent myself one more time. Anyway, take me out to the ballgame, put me in, Coach, I’m ready to play today. … Give me a chord, and I’m on my way. I hope the noise in my head is not bothering you.”

Batting around

If Yankees infielder Gleyber Torres — who’s hit a whopping 13 homers against Baltimore this season — could play all 162 games against the Orioles at this year’s pace, his season numbers would read:

• 188 runs scored

• 111 home runs

• 171 RBI

• .394 batting average

• 1.045 slugging percentage

All is forgiven

Chase Bank is wiping away all credit-card debt from its Canadian customers.

So here’s hoping the Halifax Mooseheads got those 10,000 hockey pucks on the Visa card in time.

Paging Bluto and Otter

We needed a full-blown Princeton Review study to determine that Wisconsin is the top college for drinking beer?

Five minutes in the Camp Randall stands at a Badgers football game could’ve told you that.

Quote, end quote

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on the downside of the self-driving vehicle craze: “Eventually there’ll be a country-music song about your truck leaving you, too.”

• Adam McCalvy of MLB.com, after Adrian Houser threw up on the Miller Park mound for the second time this season: “Houser is a promising young hurler for the Brewers.”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after tennis player Nick Kyrgios was fined $113,000 for unsportsmanlike conduct, verbal abuse and audible obscenities: “Meaning he got penalized for pulling the rare ‘Triple McEnroe.’ ”

• Eric Chesterton of Cut4.com, after Yasiel Puig became the fourth Cleveland player (or ex-player) this season to become a U.S. citizen: “The next Indians player to seek citizenship should certainly be in luck. There are probably plenty of left-over flash cards and study guides scattered around the clubhouse.”